A WEBSITE AUDIT · £9.99 · 5 MINUTES
find out
how shite
your site
really is.
Find the issues
→Define the problem
→Provide the fix
A brutal, jargon-free audit emailed to your inbox in five minutes. No subscription. No agency. No 30-minute discovery call. Every issue found, every problem explained, every fix written out — step by step.
✓ Free top-line score✓ £9.99 unlocks full report✓ 7-day refund
examplebakery.co.uk
47/100
A bit shite, but salvageable.
3
Critical
11
Should fix
8
Fine
HOW IT WORKS
Type. Pay. Read.
That's it.
No onboarding flow. No “let's hop on a call”. No 14 questions about your goals. We already know your goal. You want a better website. So we find the issues, define each problem, and tell you exactly how to fix it.
~30 SEC
01
Type your URL.
You get a free top-line score and your five biggest problems, on screen, in under thirty seconds.
~10 SEC
02
Pay £9.99.
One-off. No subscription. No upsell. Card or Apple Pay. We don't keep your card on file.
≤ 5 MIN
03
Read your audit.
Full report in your inbox. Every issue found, every problem defined, every fix written out step by step — for your platform, in plain English.
WHAT YOU GET
Seven categories.
Honest answers.
Every audit covers the things that actually move the needle — and for every issue we find, we tell you what it is, why it matters, and exactly how to fix it on your platform. None of the made-up “innovation score” nonsense.
01
Performance & Core Web Vitals
Largest Contentful Paint, INP, CLS, mobile-first. The metrics Google actually uses to rank you.
02
SEO & on-page
Titles, meta, headings, internal linking, schema. Where you're invisible and why.
03
AEO — AI search readiness
Whether ChatGPT, Perplexity and Google AI Overviews can read, parse, and cite your site. Most can't. Barely anyone audits this. We do.
04
Accessibility (WCAG 2.2 AA)
Contrast, alt text, keyboard nav, screen-reader. The legal stuff and the human stuff.
05
Content & conversion
Readability, value prop clarity, CTA quality. Why people land and leave.
06
Technical health
Crawl errors, redirects, sitemap, robots.txt, mixed content. The plumbing nobody wants to look at.
07
Security
Security headers, SSL certificate health, DNS email records. Graded A–F. Most small-business sites score an F — and don't know it.
PRICE
£9.99.
One-off.
Less than two pints. Cheaper than every “free audit” you've ever sat through.
£9.99
ONE-OFF · NO SUBSCRIPTION
Free top-line scoreincluded
Full reportincluded
All 6 categoriesincluded
Step-by-step fixesincluded
Refund window7 days
no sales call. no upsell. no one will ring you afterwards.
vs. the typical “audit” agency
- PRICESome agency's free audit£0*
- PRICEShiteScore£9.99
- CALLSSome agency's free audit2–3 calls
- CALLSShiteScore0
- DELIVERYSome agency's free audit3–10 days
- DELIVERYShiteScore5 minutes
- UPSELLSome agency's free audit£3–8k retainer
- UPSELLShiteScorenone
* “free” if your time is worth nothing.
PEOPLE WHO SCORED THEIR OWN SITE
What customers actually say.
★★★★★
“Cheapest, most useful £9.99 I've ever spent on my business. Genuinely actionable. I fixed five things the same evening.”
CAFÉ OWNER · STIRLING
★★★★★
“My web guy quoted me eight hundred quid for an audit. I sent him this and he didn't reply for three days.”
PLUMBER · LIVERPOOL
★★★★★
“It was rude. I needed it. I ranked on page one for ‘pilates Hereford’ six weeks later.”
PILATES STUDIO · HEREFORD
FAQ
Reasonable
questions.
01
Is this actually called ShiteScore?
Yes. It's called ShiteScore because that's the word people use when they look at their own website. The brand is the joke that's already in your head.
02
Will you ring me afterwards?
No. The whole product exists because we're sick of being rung up by agencies. We don't even have a phone number.
03
What if my score is really shite?
Then the report is more useful, not less. The lower the score, the more low-hanging fruit. We don't sugar-coat, but we also don't shame.
04
Refund policy?
7 days. If the report genuinely isn't useful to you — not just "I didn't like my score" — reply to your report email and tell us briefly what went wrong. We'll have a quick chat to make sure we've understood, then process the refund the same day. We won't argue.
05
Is this AI-generated slop?
The crawl and scoring are real data — PageSpeed Insights, a live site crawl, security header checks, DNS lookups. The fix steps are a mix: common, well-understood issues are served from a curated library of pre-reviewed, platform-specific instructions written and checked by a human. Novel or site-specific issues are generated by Claude AI from your actual audit data. Nothing is generic filler.
06
Which platforms do you support?
We detect your CMS automatically. WordPress, Shopify, Wix, Squarespace and Webflow all get platform-specific fix steps — naming the exact menu, plugin, or setting you need. WordPress sites also get a plugin version check: if your plugins are significantly out of date, we flag it with guidance on updating safely. For custom-built sites, we give you the general technical approach.